Woah- calm down guys!

Hey everyone,
Firstly, I'd just like to thank my dear friends Nelson, Maya, John, and Stephen for coming to my defense back there- you guys are amazing and always have my back! But I'd also like to remind everyone that while Gigi's last post may have seemed totally insulting at my expense, as she claimed that "global warming was directly caused by Toria's fatness," that we shouldn't take it seriously- she was just joshin' you guys! Also, we should remember to cut Gigi some slack, as she is jealous, crazy, and incontinent.

I guess what I'm saying is lets just all take a deep breath and remember that at the end of the day we're all buds, and that's what's really important. Also, Gigi, I was just at CVS and your bulk order of extra heavy duty Depends has arrived, as has your acne meds. So you might want to pick them up.

Love Always,
Toria

In Defense of a Hero

Toria Sheffield is, without question, the greatest human being we have ever had the privilege of knowing. Her kindness, wisdom, integrity, selflessness, spirit, and unparalleled natural beauty are without equal. She makes us want to be better people, serving as a daily reminder of the tremendous heights of human potential. If you don't love Toria, and if you make any sort of slight- no matter how seemingly minor- against her, you are sorely lacking in both mind and heart. And you are also probably extremely jealous, crazy, and incontinent.

Quite simply, Toria J. Sheffield is an American hero.

Thank you for your time,
Nelson Mandela, Maya Angelou, John McCain, and Stephen Hawkings

Toria's At It Again

When will you stop Toria? When will you finally realize that your actions have consequences?

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2387203.ece

There are other people on this earth, Toria, and we want to live. And frankly, if you keep growing at the same rate, there will only be room on this earth for one person: you. You'll be sitting alone atop a literal Mount Everest of empty KFC buckets and Percy Pig wrappers, encased by an atmosphere constituted by your own toots. Disgusting.

And you know what, maybe the reason that all the shellfish are disappearing is because you're eating them all you whale. As George Costanza was told on Seinfeld, the ocean called, they want their shrimp back.

This is an intervention Toria. You must stop for the sake of the world. Think of the children. Please. Put down the ice cream and go down on the elliptical. Please. We want to live.

Yours in Fear, Sadness, Disgust and Disappointment,
Gigi

Nothing Golden Can Stay...

My immortal beloved (a.k.a: "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles) has unofficially been canceled. This is, without exaggeration, the worst and most tragic thing that has ever happened to me (and I know what you're thinking. "Really Toria? Is it really?" And to this I can only answer: Absolutely.)

There have been few shows that I have loved so much in my life- few that I been able to laugh at so generously (that's right- not even New Amsterdam could compare, as while it used Native American magic to explain its mysteries, TSCC attempted to use actual science and "logic"). I've thought about trying to find a new show of equal enjoyment, but I think its going to take time. Time and patience. Until then, I guess I'll just have to contend myself with the memories. Memories of a boy who loved a hot chick robot and a hot chick robot who often--but not always--killed birds on accident. Also, memories of another robot who liked to play D&D. And yet another robot who was CEO of a major technological corporation. And yet another who accidentally traveled to the wrong decade, only to fulfill the American dream of becoming the owner of a multi-million dollar real estate agency, but then hid itself in the foundation of a building in order to eventually reawaken and assassinate the future leader of the human resistance, only to be killed by another robot.

God damn that show was good.

Inconsolable, but working through it,

Toria

Sexy times in history...

Hey guys! So I've been reading up on my Cold War history (because as you all know, I like my knowledge like I like my women, irrelevant and inapplicable) only to stumble upon a description of British Prime Minister Harold Macmillian's 1958 visit to Moscow:

"Khrushchev laid on all the warmth Moscow could muster in the middle of winter. When Macmillian arrived on February 21st, Krushchev was there to meet him. Following a lavish state dinner, the two leaders departed, driving through the snow in a horse-drawn carriage, and then, huddled together in a large wicker basket, went skidding down an icy slope. The trip marked, in the opinion of experts, a high degree of intimacy."

Sounds dreamy! And can you say fanfic potential!?

Yours Always,

Toria

Thank You, Aquaman

Although the hero in this news story remain anonymous, I feel its safe to say Aquaman, Thank You.

http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2009-04/14/content_11184581.htm

And to all those Somalian pirates out there, don't every try to fight America, because with the Justice League on our side, we can never lose. USA ALL THE WAY!!

Eternally yours,
Gigi