Gun that shoots...marshmallows?! SCORE!!!

AOL posted this today for holiday gift ideas for kids:


It's caption read: "Pump-action rapid fire shoots mini marshmallows over 30 feet. Easy-to-refill; holds 25 mini marshmallows for non-stop action."

While I first deemed this gift "retarded", further pondering has made me realize just how wrong I was. I now believe this to be the most awesome gift ever. Just think about it: it's the perfect tool of passive aggression. I don't like something you said? You took the last muffin when I hadn't even had one yet? You cut me off in traffic? I shoot a marshmallow at your face. Borrow something without asking? Shoot a marshmallow at your face. Tell me you don't like something I'm wearing? Marshmallow. in. face. And this doesn't even take into account the random acts of hilarity you can commit. You can shoot a marshmallow at someone's face at any given moment- when they haven't even done anything! Your boss. Your mom. Literally anyone! It's not like it will even hurt, and if they get mad, you can just say "But I thought you loved marshmallows?" (and even if you know this to not be true, just pretend like you forgot and were confusing them with someone else who does love marshmallows. It's sure to work). So basically, yeah, I want this for Christmas, and I will be sorely disappointed if no one delivers (you don't even have to get it- just send a note to my family, and I'm sure they'll be more than happy to fuel my insatiable desire for frivolity).
-Toria

Ok...so it's Thanksgiving and I've been reflecting on what I'm thankful for (namely, that Toria has announced that she does not plan to propagate and that Monica's dog will have long fine locks!!) But I wanted to share a few reflections:

1. My dog wears a toupee - mind you, a toupee that puts Nic Cage's toupee to shame.
2. If we were the components of a Thanksgiving feast, we would be:
Toria - turkey...b/c she likes to take center stage and she always be gobble gobble
Monica - sweet potatoes...with long fine locks
Gigi - the person who shoves stuffing in the turkey and ties its legs together and cooks it at 450 degrees for hours, all the while muttering belligerently under her breath
Katharine - a beautiful pecan pie
Claudia - chicken - b/c she wouldn't be there, but everyone would think about her - and wonder...when the pilgrims sat down with the Indians to share in a feast of plenty, where was the chicken?
And I'd eat you all up!!!

Love,
B to the dog.

Why I want to adopt:

1.) It would make me feel like I was contributing to a greater good.
2.) All the joys of motherhood without all the discomforts of pregnancy.
3.) When Child Services inevitably come to arrest me, I can just say "No, no. You don't understand. This child isn't mine- it's adopted! That's why I havn't been feeding it.", which will undoubtedly clear things up.

-Toria

A selection of images from the highly anticipated Ghost Rider

Ooooohhh!!!


Aaaaaaah!!!!

And I don't even care that it's not his real hair!
-Toria

Rider by day, ghost by night...

As you all know, I have long loathed Nicolas Cage. His repulsive receding hair line. His obsession with Elvis that culminated with a creepy and short-lived marriage to Lisa Marie Presley. Con Air. All of these things and more have contributed to my deep-seated hatred for the man. Knowing this, you will then understand how much of a miracle it is that I am so effin' excited for his new movie Ghost Rider!!! Here is the synopsis:

"In Columbia Pictures' action adventure Ghost Rider, superstar motercycle stunt rider Johnny Blaze (Nicolas Cage) strikes a deal with the vile Mephistopheles for the most precious of commodities- his immortal soul. Now Johnny Blaze is forevor destined to ride night after night as the host to the powerful supernatural entity known as the Ghost Rider."

Stunt rider named Johnny Blaze? Man named Mephistopheles? Immortal souls? I mean how could anybody not see this movie?! I can honestly say that if a year ago, someone had said to me "Toria, some day a movie will come out that will be so fantastic, so unbelievably awesome, that it will make you forget how offensive you find Nic Cage", I would have told them to hop right back on the crazy train to Crazyville, population crazy, because you, sir, are out of your mind. But low and behold, the day has come where I eat my words, ladies and gentlemen, because I am counting the days until the release of this movie!

For further information/a fantastic preview, visit http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/ghostrider/

If the guitar rifts after you click "Enter Site" aren't enough to convince you, then I doubt even the Lord Jesus could.
-Toria

Mystery: Solved

I think the mysterious Rosie O'Donnell look-a-like Toria saw outside the large window in front of her bed for days on end was... a mirror. Honestly, the resemblence is eerie-- I can understand why she might have been confused.

Soulmates???

So today I was getting my daily dose of important world news, In Touch, of course when I happened upon the section that addresses rumors from around tinseltown and tells me if they are true or false. Juicy stuff, kids, juicy. Did tom cruise throw a temper tantrum in a limo and stab a man with a pen....false (according to his reps, that is), Do the music lovers of Hong Kong hate Mariah Carey....false (people in Hong Kong dont listen to music, silly) Is george micheal from arrested development stealing our indenties and ideas....TRUE very TRUE, Does Rosie O'Donnell have an intense and strange obsession with everyone's favorite funny girl, Babs....true (I'm totally serious, Elisabeth Hasselback from the View -she always went to BC so she is always right-said that here costar is obsessed with babs, you might even call it stalking, she said. So Tor, although I said you were crazy when you said you saw a rosie look-alike outside that large window in front of your bed for days on end, I was wrong. Im sorry. I hope this clears things up). Anywho, boring stuff for the most part: illegitimate children, divorces, nicole richie is an alien, kevin bacon is leaving his wife for a mysterious 19 year old blonde.....but this one story finally got me excited. For once, some news I actually care about. Did Jason Schwartzman buy a custom made wig for his dog?.....the answer my friends, is YES. Yes, he did. "I wanted him to look like George Washington," Jason said. I say, who doesn't want their dog to look like our first president? Really, can you tell me who? I didn't think so. Well, I just think that this is another reason that Jason and I are meant to be together, he may be vegan, liberal, and cousins with nicholas cage, but with this new development all has been forgiven and we will continue a happy life together.

If my dog had a wig, it would be long and flowing (like that of my baby) and I would stroke it alot and perhaps laugh sinisterly


Me and Jason on our wedding night. Im SUPER excited, he gets a little nervous, but its okay


Love,
Monica

Remember when?

Remember when people used to blame everything on El Nino? How when anything went wrong- you broke something, there was traffic, the lawn mower wouldn't work- someone would say "Blame it on El Nino!" and laughter would ensue? And after awhile it just got really old, and totally stopped being funny, but there were still those people who made the joke anyway, and laughed as if it was brand new? Yeah. That was horrible.

And yet I find myself wanting to bring it back in spite of myself...
-Toria

NPH

NPH (Neal Patrick Harris, former child star and current regular on CBS's How I Met Your Mother) came out of the closet this week. The following is my recollection of the events that followed after I found this out.

To set the stage: Toria see's the AOL headline that reads "Sitcom actor comes out". Toria clicks on the link. Toria see's picture of NPH, along with his official coming out statement which says he is a perfectly happy and satisfied gay man.

"What!? I cry. "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" I instantly feel queasy and break out into a cold sweat. I try to vomit, but nothing comes out; my body rakes with dry heaves. "Why God! Why!?" I cry out into an empty room. I yell out once again as an animal wounded howls into the night, pulling at my hair in a frenzied hysteria. I heave with the deep, inconsolable sobs of a woman lost. Eventually my mind and body fade, and I am found rocking back and forth, back and forth, clutching at my knees.

Basically I've always thought NPH was super cute, and now I'm really disappointed that I'll never have a chance with him!
-Toria

Please God no!!!! Not this!!! Anything but this!!!!

From today's news:

Overfishing May Threaten Seafood Population

WASHINGTON (Nov. 3) - Clambakes, crabcakes, swordfish steaks and even humble fish sticks could be little more than a fond memory in a few decades. If current trends of overfishing and pollution continue, the populations of just about all seafood face collapse by 2048, a team of ecologists and economists warns in a report in Friday's issue of the journal Science.

It's like my worst nightmare is actually coming true! Does everybody know how much I love seafood!?!? How much I crave lobster rolls, battered cod, salmon, clams, crab cakes, mussles, and shrimps of every size?? Does everybody know that I always list my favorite food as "shell fish" (followed promptly by "Mexican" and then "buffalo wings"). Dear god! We may only have 42 years left of the precious treasures of the sea. Goddamn it world! GOD DAMN IT!!!! Nothing will ever make me feel better about this! EVER!!!!
-Toria

Nuclear Proliferation?

The Chinese government has recently described last month's nuclear testing in North Korea as "brazen". George W. Bush has since said the testing was "unacceptable" and "provocative". Ummm...is it me or does North Korea's nuclearization sound...kinda hot? Brazen? Provocative? The last time I heard something described like that it was a Pedro Almodovar film. But then again, last week's Economist described the test as "a poke in the eye" to China. That's not hot. That's just super awkward. So now I'm confused. Is nuclear proliferation super sexy, or just really awkward? And what about Iran's uranium enrichment program? How does that fit into all of this? Clearly, world politics takes a lot of of thought, and that's just not something I'm willing to sacrifice. Peace out home dawgs from my home town.
-Toria