Dear David Blaine,

Let's get one thing straight: what you have been doing these last few years has not been magic. Nor has it been anything that has merited you any form of fame or prestige. What you do is what literally anyone in the world could do if they only had the time or desire. I could literally have sat in my bathtub for a week, and that would amount to essentially what you did last year in that giant fish tank (oh, what's that you say David Blaine? But you sat in a fish tank for a week and broke the world record for holding your breath? Oh wait, no you didn't. But wait, what's that you also are saying? That you didn't eat for that entire week, therefore greatly diminishing your ability to perform such a task? Well let me tell you DB, I went to an all girls private school, which essentially means I've seen teenage girls perform all kinds of amazing tasks without eating. From higher level calculus to starring in the annual variety show. So needless to say, your claims of hunger fall on deaf ears).

And now what's this I hear? Your next great illusion will be staying up for 11 days straight? News flash David Blaine: that also is not magic. It is just something you are doing, that again, literally any one could potentially do (if however, this is in fact magic, and my definition of magic has just been wrong all these years, then get ready for some competition, because that must make me the world's greatest effin' magician of all time. Why, just a moment ago I spread peanut butter on a slice of bread and ate it, which, much like your "magic," is something that everyone else on the planet is capable of).

So long story short: David Blaine, a magician you are not. But if, by some stretch of the imagination you actually are, then move over Gandolf, because there's a new mega-wizard in town, and her name is Toria J.

Yours Truly,
Toria