What I Would Probably Be Thinking If I Was Julian Lennon Listening to "Beatiful Boy," the Tender Ballad Written for Sean, John's Lennon's Other Son

My dad is such a fucking dick.

To the New York Times Business Day Section (a.k.a: Master Perpetrator of totally misleading and sensationalist headlines):

Dear New York Times Business Day,
Yesterday (4/29/10), when I opened the paper to find the headline. "Pay by Cash, Check, or Cellphone Magic," I of course stopped everything I was doing (a.k.a: watching Nickelodian) to read the article. Needless to say, I was supremely disappointed when I discovered that the article was not, in fact, about the newly discovered and fantastical "magic" of which you implied, but was instead about nothing more than some regular old dumb science (something about a cell phone attachment that can scan credit cards or some bullshit).

New York Times, listen closely, because I'm only going to say this once: never- and I mean NEVER- promise me an article about magic (or furthermore, wizards, sorcery, ghosts, or the paranormal) only to give me something else entirely. Because if I wanted to be misled I would go back in time to when I was ten and ask my dad why my older cousin Debbie was living with a lady drummer named Eyvon ("They're just really good friends.")

So, without further adieu: F you New York Times Business Day. We're over! (unless of course sometime in the near future you provide me with an actual article about the fiscal benefits of magic- then we're totally back on! And you don't even have to wear a condom!)

Sincerely,
Toria

Been thinking...

Gigi's last post made me think of several things. Firstly, and most importantly, it made me think of the Burger King coming all over Ronald McDonald's face. Just spraying his hot, steamy man juice all over that clown's money maker. But secondly, it made me think of that time several years ago when a couple Pepsi employees tried to bribe some higher ups at Coca Cola for the secret ingredient in coke. The Coca Cola employees refused the bribe (of several million dollars!) and instead reported the Pepsi workers to the FBI.

Personally, I think the Coca Cola workers should have accepted the bribe and then just given the Pepsi guys the secret ingredient (which I'm assuming is love).

Yours Truly,
Toria

Best Commercial Ever?

Okay guys, now don't get me wrong, I love me some McDonald's. I love the dollar menu, I love McFlurrys, I love BigMacs, and most especially I love that little sign that says "Smiles are free!" I also don't care for Burger King-- I've just never felt about BK the same way I feel about Mickey D's, Chick-fil-A, or Roy Rogers (maybe its the multitude BK Lounge jokes from 2006). But this commercial makes me want to eat at Burger King every single night and day for the next thousand years--



I don't even like breakfast! Egg McMuffins make me sick! But this commercial is pure, unadulterated genius. Basically Burger King is like yeah McDonald's, we went into your house, ransacked your locked files, scammed your secret recipes and now we're selling them. For less! Because we're awesome!! Suck our balls McDonald's!! Burger King 4Life!!!

This commercial is the equivalent of Burger King coming all over McDonld's face.

In the world today...

So according to a recent New York Times article, South Korean secret agents have been sneaking--at their own peril--cell phones to people in North Korea so that they may get vital information about the otherwise highly secretive authoritarian state. Problemo is, apparently many of the North Koreans with cell phones have just been calling to talk about their pets, their complaints over recent changes in the price of rice, and otherwise humdrum going-ons in their day to day lives.

So I'm gonna say mission fail guys. I mean grant it if someone gave me a free cell phone so they could learn about the intricacies of American domestic policy they'd probably mostly get an earful about the most recent episode of South Park, a run down on what I ate for lunch, and perhaps, although not necessarily, an in-depth explanation as to why I think hand jobs are gross (would depend on my mood). So I'm really not blaming any one here (except perhaps the South Korean secret agents who didn't seem to really over-think the whole who they were going to give cell-phones to thing).

Pensive as Alway,

Toria

To the Eff-ing Plant on My Desk Who Can't Hold His Water--

What the poop is your problem? You were dry as a bone when I came in, you ungrateful little mofo, so like the good Samaritan that I am I watered you while getting my morning tea. And like the vile little Judas you are, that's when you took your chance to stab me in my f-ing back. This is the second, the SECOND time today that you have purposefully dribbled water down my desk and onto the floor, and I am sure it will not be the last. Do you even know how many times I have had to deal with comments about water on the floor from rubbernecking busybodies? How many times have I had to look up from Lost, with a look of mock surprise and concern, grab my paper towels and scrub your filthy waste. AND you have picked the one day when I wore a shorter skirt, so that every time I bend over I'm in danger of being arrested for indecent exposure. You dick ficus. Here's the deal-- you either clean up your business and stop making me look like a fool, or next time I give you water it will be boiling.

And to the nasty douchebag on the phone-- its going to take me more than 3 seconds to find someone in Accounts Payable so just simmer. Also, go screw yourself. I'm sure its the only action you'll be getting tonight you dirty choad.

Kisses, Gigi

To the man SERIOUSLY rocking out to his ipod while on the eliptical at my gym:

I admire your courage, sir, as well as what is clearly an ability do whatever makes you happy no matter what others might think. However, it is for this that I also must fault you. While your frequent air guitaring, fist pumping, and jazz hands (all with eyes closed) was undoubtedly enjoyable, it significantly detracted from the overall experience of many of your fellow gym-goers. Quite frankly, it was distracting and uncomfortable.

Basically, what I guess I'm saying is that your fun-loving attitude needs to stop where my line of sight begins.

All the Best,

Toria J. Sheffield

Shutter Island (a.k.a: "Jurassic Park with Crazies")

Hey all,

Just saw the new Scorsese film Shutter Island, and here are a few of my major thoughts:

1.) I think a pretty good working title for the movie could have been "Jurassic Park, but with Crazies," because that's essentially what the first 2/3 of the movie feel like. All it really needed was this guy saying, "The fences are down" to make it 100%:

2.) While there were definitely suspenseful moments laced throughout, I'd have to say that the creepiest part of the whole movie was the fact that Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs was in it. Every time he came on screen I kept expecting him to a.) skin a lady, or b.) get shot by Jodi Foster. Either one would have been a bold directorial choice on Scorsese's part.

3.) I think another good working title could have been, "Nutter Island," just because if there's one thing missing in cinema today, its punnery (not really).

Basically, I don't recommend or not recommend this movie. I do, however, recommend that you see K-Pax. I have always loved K-Pax and think it is totally underrated. I also strongly recommend that you revisit 1995's Casper (the friendly ghost) if you haven't in a while. It's magnificent.

Yours Truly,

Toria